Tuesday, February 21, 2017

We Need to Talk About the Bachelor: Planned or Spontaneous Disaster?

There's def some resemblance there

I have all but abandoned this blog and that shouldn't surprise anyone. And I said that I would for sure blog about the whole show the entire time but I just can’t be doing it.

My relationship with The Bachelor (and it’s much funnier sister, The Bachelorette,) is as follows: I have watched a handful of seasons throughout the years that it’s been on air. I watch the beginning with the trainwrecks who are usually cut early. And then I get bored when all the manufactured love begins. I think this is the 2nd hometown date episode I have seen of this show. When people talk about people from previous shows, I am like, “Who?”  I do know who Courtney Robertson is only bc I read her book and it was great. And I know who Sean Lowe is bc when I look at him I fall asleep instantly. He’s great for insomnia.

I haven’t seen any of the other seasons with Nick so this is my first intro to him. I think he is adorable in a baby lion kind of way. He’s the real-life Simba but with more tears. So I didn’t have any preconceived Nick-hatred like a lot of girls did. What I don’t understand is why the hate? It seems like he was dumped, right? I am not saying he’s a great boyfriend by any means but I have seen worse. I would much rather have him than a lot of those other dum-dums.

He gives me a lot of thoughts, tho. And I needed to share them. So here they are:

  1. Vanessa is winning. She just is and it should be obvious to everyone. From their first date, you could tell he liked her. You can tell when a boy likes you and he did almost instantly. If a guy kisses you after you puke, he is interested. Rule of Thumb. Her dad is the only parent he straight-up asked permission to marry. If she doesn’t win, I would be shocked. Raven has grown on me but she isn’t winning. Also she is way too young. She seems smart and like she has her shit together, but so young.

  1. I think Nick is genuinely feeling shitty about having to dump the other three girls. He knows what it feels like and is dreading it. And he is kind of doing the right thing by getting rid of girls that he doesn’t like. I wouldn’t be able to keep dudes around that I didn’t like. I would be getting rid of people immediately. Left and right. Devout Christian? Bye. Staunch Conservative? Peace. Erectile Dysfunction Specialist named Evan? Don’t even get out of the limo.

  1. This is ALL speculation but for some reason, I think this season was rushed. Pooling all of my knowledge from watching UnReal, the few episodes of the Bachelor/ette I have seen and reading Courtney Robertson’s book, this is what I have come up with:  I heard a rumor that Luke Pell and his fine ass was all packed-up and ready to go and then they cancelled on him. Or something. I think maybe Luke tried the show and was like, “Nope, can’t do this.” So they had to find all new girls, quickly. And they also needed a new bachelor, and no one wants to fuck Robby. No one. I think Nick was talked into it and really didn’t even want to do it. He is emotionally in no position to make any sort of romantical decision and it shows. But despite that ABC was all, “We have no choice, let’s get it over with.” Am I a genius? No. Have I spent too much time thinking about this? Yes.

  1. Nick is an awkward weirdo. I don’t mean this in a negative way. It takes one to know one. If I was forced to date many men on tv, I would constantly wear a hoodie and then hide behind it. It would be in my contract. So you throw this awkward baby lion into a months-long uncomfortable situation and you get off-the-charts excruciating-to-watch awkward and it’s on television. THAT is genius.

  1. This season is only still entertaining because it’s such a disaster. It’s been great. Thank you, producers! How many are fired after this season?

  1. Nick and Corinne have had a lot of sex. Shocking, I know. That is their “connection.” When a penis connects to a vagina. They haven’t even been on a date by themselves yet. Bc they get so much off-camera time together. You would think, “Well the producers would show all the sex they were having.” Would they? If he is consistently fucking one girl it makes them both look bad. It’s going to look like he is cheating on the other women and that is just going to further fuel the nick hate. So that is why she is still around. I know the other women are aghast at Corinne’s over-sexuality but maybe they are just pissed they didn’t get to it as quickly as she did? The world may never know.

  1. I know that Corinne is supposed to be the villain and I should hate her but she is using all she has to win this thing. Who wants to go on The Bachelor and lose? Even if you don’t like the guy, you can just leave early to save face but if there is a chance you may like him, you want to win. And she is trying her damndest. And the biggest concern of everyone is if she is here for the right reason. What is the right reason? To find true love? Come on, now. It was never that. Pretty people get to go on a show and date and we watch it. They either stay together or they don’t. Usually they don’t. And it’s all great and awful at the same time.

  1. We know Rachel isn’t winning b/c she is the next Bachelorette, which I will watch bc I did like her. She can do way better than Nick. Even Raven needs more of a man than Nick is able to be.

I got way more invested in this season than I intended. And I think he did pretty well with all the parents which has got to be rough. I am not so much rooting for Nick to find love as I am for him to make it out of this in once piece with minimal emotional damage but it may be way too late for that. Maybe he is just an open crier, which is fine. I do know this, he is high the majority of the time. As a kite.

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