We Need to Talk About the Bachelor: Planned or Spontaneous Disaster?

There's def some resemblance there

I have all but abandoned this blog and that shouldn't surprise anyone. And I said that I would for sure blog about the whole show the entire time but I just can’t be doing it.

My relationship with The Bachelor (and it’s much funnier sister, The Bachelorette,) is as follows: I have watched a handful of seasons throughout the years that it’s been on air. I watch the beginning with the trainwrecks who are usually cut early. And then I get bored when all the manufactured love begins. I think this is the 2nd hometown date episode I have seen of this show. When people talk about people from previous shows, I am like, “Who?”  I do know who Courtney Robertson is only bc I read her book and it was great. And I know who Sean Lowe is bc when I look at him I fall asleep instantly. He’s great for insomnia.

I haven’t seen any of the other seasons with Nick so this is my first intro to him. I think he is adorable in a baby lion kind of way. He’s the real-life Simba but with more tears. So I didn’t have any preconceived Nick-hatred like a lot of girls did. What I don’t understand is why the hate? It seems like he was dumped, right? I am not saying he’s a great boyfriend by any means but I have seen worse. I would much rather have him than a lot of those other dum-dums.

He gives me a lot of thoughts, tho. And I needed to share them. So here they are:

1. Vanessa is winning. She just is and it should be obvious to everyone. From their first date, you could tell he liked her. You can tell when a boy likes you and he did almost instantly. If a guy kisses you after you puke, he is interested. Rule of Thumb. Her dad is the only parent he straight-up asked permission to marry. If she doesn’t win, I would be shocked. Raven has grown on me but she isn’t winning. Also she is way too young. She seems smart and like she has her shit together, but so young.

2. I think Nick is genuinely feeling shitty about having to dump the other three girls. He knows what it feels like and is dreading it. And he is kind of doing the right thing by getting rid of girls that he doesn’t like. I wouldn’t be able to keep dudes around that I didn’t like. I would be getting rid of people immediately. Left and right. Devout Christian? Bye. Staunch Conservative? Peace. Erectile Dysfunction Specialist named Evan? Don’t even get out of the limo.

3. This is ALL speculation but for some reason, I think this season was rushed. Pooling all of my knowledge from watching UnReal, the few episodes of the Bachelor/ette I have seen and reading Courtney Robertson’s book, this is what I have come up with:  I heard a rumor that Luke Pell and his fine ass was all packed-up and ready to go and then they cancelled on him. Or something. I think maybe Luke tried the show and was like, “Nope, can’t do this.” So they had to find all new girls, quickly. And they also needed a new bachelor, and no one wants to fuck Robby. No one. I think Nick was talked into it and really didn’t even want to do it. He is emotionally in no position to make any sort of romantical decision and it shows. But despite that ABC was all, “We have no choice, let’s get it over with.” Am I a genius? No. Have I spent too much time thinking about this? Yes.

4. Nick is an awkward weirdo. I don’t mean this in a negative way. It takes one to know one. If I was forced to date many men on tv, I would constantly wear a hoodie and then hide behind it. It would be in my contract. So you throw this awkward baby lion into a months-long uncomfortable situation and you get off-the-charts excruciating-to-watch awkward and it’s on television. THAT is genius.

5. This season is only still entertaining because it’s such a disaster. It’s been great. Thank you, producers! How many are fired after this season?

6. Nick and Corinne have had a lot of sex. Shocking, I know. That is their “connection.” When a penis connects to a vagina. They haven’t even been on a date by themselves yet. Bc they get so much off-camera time together. You would think, “Well the producers would show all the sex they were having.” Would they? If he is consistently fucking one girl it makes them both look bad. It’s going to look like he is cheating on the other women and that is just going to further fuel the nick hate. So that is why she is still around. I know the other women are aghast at Corinne’s over-sexuality but maybe they are just pissed they didn’t get to it as quickly as she did? The world may never know.

7. I know that Corinne is supposed to be the villain and I should hate her but she is using all she has to win this thing. Who wants to go on The Bachelor and lose? Even if you don’t like the guy, you can just leave early to save face but if there is a chance you may like him, you want to win. And she is trying her damndest. And the biggest concern of everyone is if she is here for the right reason. What is the right reason? To find true love? Come on, now. It was never that. Pretty people get to go on a show and date and we watch it. They either stay together or they don’t. Usually they don’t. And it’s all great and awful at the same time.

8. We know Rachel isn’t winning b/c she is the next Bachelorette, which I will watch bc I did like her. She can do way better than Nick. Even Raven needs more of a man than Nick is able to be.

I got way more invested in this season than I intended. And I think he did pretty well with all the parents which has got to be rough. I am not so much rooting for Nick to find love as I am for him to make it out of this in once piece with minimal emotional damage but it may be way too late for that. Maybe he is just an open crier, which is fine. I do know this, he is high the majority of the time. As a kite.

Celebrities are NOT Better than You: A basket of Deplorables

New (possible) child molestation scandal out involving a “household name who is revered by millions.” There is a lot of speculation and of course none of this has been proven, yada yada. The one name of a victim is Corey Haim. It would make sense since he had drug problems all of his life and died young from drugs. I see it all the time on Intervention. But the problem here isn’t that someone molested a child, though that is obviously a large problem. It’s our unwillingness to believe that any celebrity can do something so horrible. Especially a good actor. Like playing Iron Man means you don’t molest kids (allegedly, in the comments of the article they speculate it could be RDG which doesn’t surprise me but it’s supposed to be a “family man,” and of all the ways you can describe RDG, “family man” isn’t one of them).

The list can go on for days of famous people that are still famous who are terrible people. I will list the ones now that I no longer support, listen to, watch or otherwise. You can cut people out of your lives and I have cut these out of mine, I am sure they are all heartbroken:

Woody Allen: Ya’ll he married his adopted daughter. Just think about that for a second. Of how fucked up that is. And he is still making movies. And people still revere him as this great person/genius who makes great films. Stop it. He took advantage of a child. Bye.

Roman Polanski: Pedophile who is, again, still revered for making great movies, being a genius director, whatever. He rapes children. End of story.

John Lennon: Musical genius? I personally despise the Beatles and their music but people seem to worship them. Especially this fuckass who beat women and children.

Chris Brown: if you still listen to anything he is on, you can go kill yourself right now. I love Nikki Minaj. Adore her. I won’t listen to any song of hers that he is on. And I kind of dislike her for even considering putting him on any song. (I still love you, tho!)

Sean Penn: He is a world-renowned asshole. Woman abuser both mentally and emotionally. Google “Sean Penn Madonna” and read all the fucked up shit that he did to her while they were married. If you don’t want to google, he hit her in the head with a baseball bat while she was tied to a chair. Yet women still seem to want to be in a relationship with him. People still see his movies. People Ooh and Ahh at the charity work he has done. Fuck this guy and his charity work. You can cure childhood cancer and then go home and beat your wife and you are still a shitty person.

Michael Jackson: Alleged child molester but he did it. You just know he did. You aren’t supposed to speak ill of the dead, but it’s ok if they molested children. Hope to be saying the same for Jared Fogle one day soon. (Also, stop supporting Subway. You know they knew about all of his actions and did nothing.)

Bill Cosby: I mean, come on.

Mel Gibson: Ditto for this dick.

Louis CK: This one hurt but not enough for me not to be done with him. And, again, this is all alleged. Several women comedians have alluded to CK making them watch him jerk-off in order for him to help their careers. I can’t even… He is preying on women who need his help. It’s deplorable. He is funny, sure. But this is the very definition of sexual harassment and he has been getting away with it, with no end in sight. And it has been brought to his attention and he is just like, “Everyone has their things…” Ok. Sure.

Bill Murray: Don’t look at me like that. He’s been accused more than once for spousal abuse, abandonment and adultery. Though, sadly, I can’t really cut out everyone who has committed such crimes as adultery bc that would be every celebrity.

Dr. Dre: Beats the shit out of women in front of people. No one cares. He is a great rapper and good at his job of selling overpriced headphones. He’s also a piece of shit. Beats by Dre, indeed.

Clint Eastwood: If there isn’t a white hood in his closet I would die of shock.

Jeremy Renner: He seems like the most deplorably sexist of human beings. He has made his thoughts on feminism and females in general known many times. He referred to Black Widow as a whore who fucked all the Avengers. Ok. Great.

Eric Clapton: Racist

Russell Crowe: Rageaholic dickshit.

Rob Lowe: He isn’t Chris Traeger as much as we want him to be. Child molestation allegations, abuse towards women, etc.

R. Kelly: Pissed on a child. That's enough.

OJ Simpson: Serial wife-abuser. Non-convicted Murderer. Racist against his own race.

This is just a handful of the people that I detest the most. I am sure I am leaving out many. And this list does contain all men I realize, but you know my thoughts on men in general. That may make me a sexist.

Stacey Bryan: Sexist.

And that is fine (please still support me tho). But I don't beat women or abuse children.

I think we all need to take a look at celebrities and the people that they are and not the work they put out. They deserve our scorn just as much as anyone else. Maybe more so b/c they are using their celebrity to hide what they are and that is not cool.