We Need to Talk About the Bachelor: Planned or Spontaneous Disaster?

There's def some resemblance there

I have all but abandoned this blog and that shouldn't surprise anyone. And I said that I would for sure blog about the whole show the entire time but I just can’t be doing it.

My relationship with The Bachelor (and it’s much funnier sister, The Bachelorette,) is as follows: I have watched a handful of seasons throughout the years that it’s been on air. I watch the beginning with the trainwrecks who are usually cut early. And then I get bored when all the manufactured love begins. I think this is the 2nd hometown date episode I have seen of this show. When people talk about people from previous shows, I am like, “Who?”  I do know who Courtney Robertson is only bc I read her book and it was great. And I know who Sean Lowe is bc when I look at him I fall asleep instantly. He’s great for insomnia.

I haven’t seen any of the other seasons with Nick so this is my first intro to him. I think he is adorable in a baby lion kind of way. He’s the real-life Simba but with more tears. So I didn’t have any preconceived Nick-hatred like a lot of girls did. What I don’t understand is why the hate? It seems like he was dumped, right? I am not saying he’s a great boyfriend by any means but I have seen worse. I would much rather have him than a lot of those other dum-dums.

He gives me a lot of thoughts, tho. And I needed to share them. So here they are:

1. Vanessa is winning. She just is and it should be obvious to everyone. From their first date, you could tell he liked her. You can tell when a boy likes you and he did almost instantly. If a guy kisses you after you puke, he is interested. Rule of Thumb. Her dad is the only parent he straight-up asked permission to marry. If she doesn’t win, I would be shocked. Raven has grown on me but she isn’t winning. Also she is way too young. She seems smart and like she has her shit together, but so young.

2. I think Nick is genuinely feeling shitty about having to dump the other three girls. He knows what it feels like and is dreading it. And he is kind of doing the right thing by getting rid of girls that he doesn’t like. I wouldn’t be able to keep dudes around that I didn’t like. I would be getting rid of people immediately. Left and right. Devout Christian? Bye. Staunch Conservative? Peace. Erectile Dysfunction Specialist named Evan? Don’t even get out of the limo.

3. This is ALL speculation but for some reason, I think this season was rushed. Pooling all of my knowledge from watching UnReal, the few episodes of the Bachelor/ette I have seen and reading Courtney Robertson’s book, this is what I have come up with:  I heard a rumor that Luke Pell and his fine ass was all packed-up and ready to go and then they cancelled on him. Or something. I think maybe Luke tried the show and was like, “Nope, can’t do this.” So they had to find all new girls, quickly. And they also needed a new bachelor, and no one wants to fuck Robby. No one. I think Nick was talked into it and really didn’t even want to do it. He is emotionally in no position to make any sort of romantical decision and it shows. But despite that ABC was all, “We have no choice, let’s get it over with.” Am I a genius? No. Have I spent too much time thinking about this? Yes.

4. Nick is an awkward weirdo. I don’t mean this in a negative way. It takes one to know one. If I was forced to date many men on tv, I would constantly wear a hoodie and then hide behind it. It would be in my contract. So you throw this awkward baby lion into a months-long uncomfortable situation and you get off-the-charts excruciating-to-watch awkward and it’s on television. THAT is genius.

5. This season is only still entertaining because it’s such a disaster. It’s been great. Thank you, producers! How many are fired after this season?

6. Nick and Corinne have had a lot of sex. Shocking, I know. That is their “connection.” When a penis connects to a vagina. They haven’t even been on a date by themselves yet. Bc they get so much off-camera time together. You would think, “Well the producers would show all the sex they were having.” Would they? If he is consistently fucking one girl it makes them both look bad. It’s going to look like he is cheating on the other women and that is just going to further fuel the nick hate. So that is why she is still around. I know the other women are aghast at Corinne’s over-sexuality but maybe they are just pissed they didn’t get to it as quickly as she did? The world may never know.

7. I know that Corinne is supposed to be the villain and I should hate her but she is using all she has to win this thing. Who wants to go on The Bachelor and lose? Even if you don’t like the guy, you can just leave early to save face but if there is a chance you may like him, you want to win. And she is trying her damndest. And the biggest concern of everyone is if she is here for the right reason. What is the right reason? To find true love? Come on, now. It was never that. Pretty people get to go on a show and date and we watch it. They either stay together or they don’t. Usually they don’t. And it’s all great and awful at the same time.

8. We know Rachel isn’t winning b/c she is the next Bachelorette, which I will watch bc I did like her. She can do way better than Nick. Even Raven needs more of a man than Nick is able to be.

I got way more invested in this season than I intended. And I think he did pretty well with all the parents which has got to be rough. I am not so much rooting for Nick to find love as I am for him to make it out of this in once piece with minimal emotional damage but it may be way too late for that. Maybe he is just an open crier, which is fine. I do know this, he is high the majority of the time. As a kite.

We Need to Talk about Pussy-Grabbing

Ok. I can’t shut up about this. I can’t.

The problem with all this pussy-grabbing isn’t that the maybe future president (WTF) assaults (demeans) women. It’s that women get assaulted all the time and no one gives a shit. Most don’t even know that it is a thing that happens as often as it does. Look at any audience footage of music festivals. If there is a woman on a man's shoulders, topless or not, you will see hands reach up and grab her boobs.

I have been assaulted many times and I am one of many. It happens less the older I get and I am like, “Finally!” All I had to do was give up and move to Murfreesboro. I will list a few of of those instances here. Stay woke:

• I was told I have “nice tits” at a Michael’s when I was heading to the yarn aisle. When I didn’t take that very well, I was told to take it as a compliment. V complimentary.

• On Beale St, the last time I went to Musicfest, there was a huge crowd of people we were all trying to get through. Hands locked so we wouldn’t lose each other, we made our way to the nearest way out. I was groped, as in my tits were grabbed on purpose, four times. These were not accidents. Brushing up against a boob is an accident. Having a stranger squeeze your boob is assualt. And four different men, in the matter of a few minutes, thought it was totes ok to grab a woman’s breast. Maybe even thought they were entitled to it, since I was dress so provocatively in a t-shirt. There were a lot of elbows to the face that night. I know I for sure stomped the shit out of some assholes foot. Haven’t been to Musicfest since.

• Years of dancing in clubs with numerous penises rubbed up against me. And I am even willing to call that a wash. But when I make it very clear that I am not into that at this moment, there are always a select few that don’t take it well. “Lesbian!!!” Ok. Sure.

• At a party, I made clear to everyone that I was leaving, by myself, to go to bed, which just so happened to be next door. A guy took that to mean I wanted him to follow me to  bed. As I laughed hysterically at his misunderstanding, he continued to force himself into the apartment with a, “You’re so funny! Let me in!” still trying to pull the seductive sleepy eye and trying to get his foot in the door, literally. I have no issue slamming the door on someone’s foot especially when they try and guilt me into letting them in bc they “don’t take rejection well.” Let me tell you what I don’t give a fuck about… It ended, thankfully, with him crying and me actually closing the door in his face and locking the door. A door he continued to knock on for quite some time.

• I’ve been “catcalled” so many times they all blur together into one big “Daaammmnnnn!!!” which then turns into, “bitch!” when I ignore the damn. Sometimes I would respond, at one point when someone was commenting on a friend’s ass I stopped and asked, “Do you think she is going to come and talk to you now???” They didn’t have much to say after that.

This is nothing. These are very tame examples of what women go through every day. I think I am one of the luckier ones that this is all I have experienced so far.

Ladies, you have got to stop being nice! You don’t owe anyone anything. You can come off as a bitch and everything is going to be alright. I have no problem with anyone thinking I am mean or a bitch. I have worn the badge proudly for years. I may be a bitch, but I am not going to let a man rub his dick on me just to be a nice person. I’m not going to not elbow someone in the face when they grab my boob in a crowd of people to not hurt someone’s feelings. They didn't give a shit about my feelings. Many moons ago, when I went to clubs, I was the designated, “She doesn’t like you, please go away.” My friends are wonderful, nice people and didn’t want to insult or offend anyone by walking away of their own accord. Insulting overzealous strangers is where I shine. #blessed

So yeah, grabbing women by the pussy is a thing that happens. A lot. Maybe not that exactly but something similar and equally revolting. And it is NOT OK for the possible future leader of any country to think this is ok behavior. And by voting for him, you are saying it’s fine. Maybe the colors that you shine are surely not your best… #crossfade

We Need to Talk About this GD Election

You know those shows where they ask cute kids questions and they answer them and it is just so cute that you can’t even stand it?  Let me give you an example:

Steve Harvey or whoever: Ok Barry, now some say there is a problem in America with immigrants, how would you solve that?

Barry: Well Steve, I would build a great big wall and put it around the United States.

SH: *chuckles* A wall! Walls are expensive! How would you pay for that?

Barry: I would make Mexico pay for it!

SH: Oh my goodness!! Kid’s say the darndest things!

Yeah they do, Steve.Yeah they do. And so does the shit-ass running for president with the Republican nomination. But it’s way less cute when he says anything.

Ok people, if you are waiting for the debate tonight to pick your candidate, I don’t even know what to tell you. You know he is a piece of shit. You know he will make a terrible president. And I hate to break it, but if there is one person that is pro-choice it is Donald Trump. He doesn’t want you to see his tax returns bc of all the abortions he has paid for in his life. I am speculating here but it sounds right doesn’t it?

And not voting for HIlary doesn’t mean you aren’t feminist but voting for Trump proves that you are not. A vote for that trash-fire is a vote against women. 100%. No other way to put that. Hilary, emails, Bengazi, whatever. A dishonest politician, I am shocked to my very core. Where are my dinner pearls for clutching? You don’t want a woman in charge, bottom line. “She’s a crook!” STFU. And don’t give me that “If it was Elizabeth Warren…” Well it’s not but do you know who Elizabeth Warren wants you vote for? Hillary. She really does. Make Elizabeth Warren happy. She is a great lady.

Electing Trump would be like putting Joe Francis, the dirtbag that started Girls Gone Wild, in charge of a country. YOUR country. Show your tits, free taxes! And they both have the same experience in government. I want to say Joe Francis more so because I think he has been in jail.

For me personally, nothing anyone says or does will make me vote for Donald Trump. Nothing. I absolutely cannot do it. He is a wealthy, privileged white male who hasn’t heard the word “no” a whole hell of a lot in his life and even if he has, he ignored it.  How this person can even be in the running to be the president is something I will never understand. I thought we as a country were better than that, I guess I was really wrong. Where is Mitt Romney when you need him? John McCain? We miss you guys. Not that I would vote for either of them.

Actually, it would take a lot for me to not vote Democrat. The person would have to be Hitler. Actually Hitler. Someone from his direct ancestral line and he would have to be a carbon copy of Adolf Hitler in every way. He would even have to love German Shepherds. But even then I would be all, “Can we just agree that everyone is equal and move on?” I am sure that would be a sticking point for a Hitler descendant, but I would at least ask.

Now we have a democratic woman, win/win. For me to not vote for the democratic woman, that woman would have to be Ann Coulter. Or Kim Davis. Mama June could run and I would vote for her. She seems open-minded, and you know she understands the plight of the working class.

My point, I can’t condone a conservative government. I will always think everyone needs to pay taxes. Many people do solids for you every day: teach your children, pick up your garbage, issue you a driver’s license, make your house not on fire any more. And they need to be paid for that. Would you want to work for people who didn’t want to pay you? All government workers do that every day. And trump thinks that he is smart by not paying taxes. He is telling everyone in Public Service, “You don’t deserve to be paid.”

So let’s make a list of people who have no excuse to vote for this fuckass (He’s not Hillary isn’t a valid excuse, Bernie Bros):

Women - Yes all women

Minorities

Forward- thinking white males

Anyone with a small business

Anyone who has school-age children

Anyone else, what are you doing? What went wrong in your life? Who did this to you?

You Need to Watch These Horror Movies

It’s that time of the year again! It’s getting colder (lol it was 94 in TN today) and you are ready to curl up with your super plush blanket and watch a scary movie. I can help you with both of those things.

In my life I have seen a lot of horror movies, most of them terrible. But a surprising amount are actually very scary and actually good, enjoyable movies. With good characters and plot. These are some of my favorites in categories so you can pick which you are in the mood for.

The Gross but Fun

Slither - My favorite movie all time. Not horror movie. Movie. Of all the movies I have seen. A meteor-type-thing falls from somewhere in space and lands on earth and a space parasite infects an asshole living in a small town. Dogs are disappearing, the supermarkets can’t keep enough meat in stock, a woman goes missing and local law enforcement has no idea what to do or what is even going on. It is hilarious from beginning to end. The movie ends with a song, “baby I love you just leave me the fuck alone.” This movie is fun. It’s also the first time that Garrett ever heard the word “cocksucker.” He was about 6 at the time. I explained he is to never repeat the word and maybe don’t tell your mom, I thought he could handle it but he ratted me out almost immediately.

Cabin in the Woods - So much fun. I may not be as fun if you aren’t already somewhat of a fan of horror movies. It’s funny and sarcastic and Chris Hemsworth and Jesse Williams are in it. A group of kids go on a trip to a, you guessed it, cabin in the woods. When it ended I said, “That was fucking great!” I don’t say that a lot. And that is all I am saying about this movie.

The Mist - Aliens, or are they?!?!? After a bad storm, a small town is without power and no one has food, apparently. So everyone goes to the local grocery store where they are trapped inside because a very dense fog (errr, mist) has covered the whole town. It’s written and directed by Frank Darabont, the same guy responsible for The Walking Dead. And it’s based on a novella by Stephen King. There have been some really shitty adaptations of Stephen King stories (Under the Dome, rot in hell) and this is not one of them.

Final Destination (All of them) - You know those movies you will watch if they are on tv even though you have seen them so many times? The Final Destination movies are that for me. Every movie has the same plot: Someone gets a premonition that they are all going to die. That person gets themselves and a handful of other people out before all the death occurs. The remainder of the movie is these people trying (in vain) to avoid dying horrible and ridiculous deaths bc death is coming for them. They should have died and death needs to make good on that.

Ginger Snaps - The oldest of two odd sisters gets her period and starts noticing the changes in her body. You know, like becoming a werewolf after she gets bitten the same day she starts. As if she wasn’t going through enough. This would actually be a great movie to show a girl going through some changes if you can catch it edited for basic cable. It’s a hard R.

Let’s See Some Assholes Die

Wrong Turn - Inbred hill-people. The woods. Twenty-somethings trying to get away from their white privilege. A girl getting over a break-up. The story writes itself. And it’s not a new story but it’s one of the better ones. There are several sequels and they are all garbage.

You’re Next - It is kind of gross, at one point a blender with the pitcher broken off gets turned on and used on someone’s head. First time I had ever seen that and it was great. A privileged family goes away to their summer home or whatever rich people have and chaos ensues. Nothing supernatural happening here, just shitty people. And they all have it coming.

Cabin Fever - The original one from 2002 with Rider Strong. This one is v gross but the assholishness of the kids puts them in this category. White people go into the woods. Instead of backwoods crazypants coming for them, they all get infected with a flesh-eating virus. You will never scratch anyone’s back lustfully during sex again.

The Houses October Built - Kids with their fancy cameras. One place you will not see me around Halloween is in a haunted house. I don’t do haunted houses. The Jaycees can go fuck themselves. This movie is about the weirdos that work in haunted houses year after year. A group of kids make a documentary on haunted houses and they interview the people that work in them. They also piss a lot of people off bc they’re assholes.

The Really Fucked-Up

House of 1,000 Corpses / The Devil’s Rejects - It’s a series of sorts so I will just lump them together. They are very different movies but both as equally fucked. These are the two best movies Rob Zombie has made to date. I have seen each 400 times. To me, these movies belong in the “Gross but Fun” category. To others, it may scar you for life. Both movies are based on a family. A Texas Chainsaw Massacreish, Wrong Turn adjacent family. But they love each other if that is enough for you. There’s devil worship, bunny costumes, corpse manipulation, cheerleader torture, def some incest I’m pretty sure and Chris Hardwick is in the first one. And Boyd Crowder is in both. At one point they slice the face off someone and wear it around, a la Hannibal Lecter. If that isn’t your bag, maybe skip this one.

The Woman - A feral woman living just fine on her own, being dirty and eating raw fish and loving life gets “rescued” by some white man. Does he help her? Of course not. He chains her up in the barn and fucks her and then lets his son in on the action so the son won’t tell his mom. Great guy. It’s a hard watch and you probably won’t watch it again. But you will be horrified in the terribleness of people. And the end is worth it.

Creep - Your worst Craigslist nightmare. Found footage, sort of. A guy answers a vague Craigslist ad. When he shows up to the guys house, he finds out he is getting paid to tape this guy on his last day before he dies. The entire movie is hide-behind-something uncomfortable.

The Legit Scary

The Ring - The only horror movie I won’t watch again is The Ring. I have seen many horror movies many times but this one I saw once and that was enough to sleep with the light on for a few weeks and cover my television up in my bedroom. I am in no way exaggerating. That movie fucked me up big time. If I watched it again I would probably see that it wasn’t so bad but I will never know.

The Strangers - A couple had a really awkward night at a wedding. Then they have an even worse night at home. It is supposed to be based on a true story and I am sure parts of it are. But it is something that could really happen and that makes it scarier for me.

The Descent - White people going into the woods again. White people, DON’T GO INTO THE WOODS!! A group of female friends, adventure seeking female friends, attempt to explore a previously unexplored cave. There is so much blood in this movie but that isn’t the scary part, it’s the enclosed spaces. And darkness. And what was that... no seriously what was that???

Devil’s Pass - The movie ended and I was like, “I don’t like it, I don’t like it!!!” Not the movie, the feeling I was experiencing. White people, once again, venture where they should not. A found footage movie done very well. These dumb kids go to the Dyatlov Pass where an actual incident (IRL) that occurred in Russia in 1959. It has a very creepy vibe and at the end you will feel weird but not a good weird.

Hush - A deaf woman living in BFE essentially by herself except for her friend living next door. She’s stalked by someone in her own home, but she can’t hear. It’s a very tired concept as far as horror movies go, but a deaf protagonist is new and adds a lot to the movie. And the movie itself is so quiet and that makes everything worse somehow. No music to tell you when something is coming. It’s unsettling.