Friday, September 16, 2016

You Need to Watch These Horror Movies

It’s that time of the year again! It’s getting colder (lol it was 94 in TN today) and you are ready to curl up with your super plush blanket and watch a scary movie. I can help you with both of those things.

In my life I have seen a lot of horror movies, most of them terrible. But a surprising amount are actually very scary and actually good, enjoyable movies. With good characters and plot. These are some of my favorites in categories so you can pick which you are in the mood for.

The Gross but Fun

Slither - My favorite movie all time. Not horror movie. Movie. Of all the movies I have seen. A meteor-type-thing falls from somewhere in space and lands on earth and a space parasite infects an asshole living in a small town. Dogs are disappearing, the supermarkets can’t keep enough meat in stock, a woman goes missing and local law enforcement has no idea what to do or what is even going on. It is hilarious from beginning to end. The movie ends with a song, “baby I love you just leave me the fuck alone.” This movie is fun. It’s also the first time that Garrett ever heard the word “cocksucker.” He was about 6 at the time. I explained he is to never repeat the word and maybe don’t tell your mom, I thought he could handle it but he ratted me out almost immediately.

Cabin in the Woods - So much fun. I may not be as fun if you aren’t already somewhat of a fan of horror movies. It’s funny and sarcastic and Chris Hemsworth and Jesse Williams are in it. A group of kids go on a trip to a, you guessed it, cabin in the woods. When it ended I said, “That was fucking great!” I don’t say that a lot. And that is all I am saying about this movie.

The Mist - Aliens, or are they?!?!? After a bad storm, a small town is without power and no one has food, apparently. So everyone goes to the local grocery store where they are trapped inside because a very dense fog (errr, mist) has covered the whole town. It’s written and directed by Frank Darabont, the same guy responsible for The Walking Dead. And it’s based on a novella by Stephen King. There have been some really shitty adaptations of Stephen King stories (Under the Dome, rot in hell) and this is not one of them.

Final Destination (All of them) - You know those movies you will watch if they are on tv even though you have seen them so many times? The Final Destination movies are that for me. Every movie has the same plot: Someone gets a premonition that they are all going to die. That person gets themselves and a handful of other people out before all the death occurs. The remainder of the movie is these people trying (in vain) to avoid dying horrible and ridiculous deaths bc death is coming for them. They should have died and death needs to make good on that.

Ginger Snaps - The oldest of two odd sisters gets her period and starts noticing the changes in her body. You know, like becoming a werewolf after she gets bitten the same day she starts. As if she wasn’t going through enough. This would actually be a great movie to show a girl going through some changes if you can catch it edited for basic cable. It’s a hard R.

Let’s See Some Assholes Die

Wrong Turn - Inbred hill-people. The woods. Twenty-somethings trying to get away from their white privilege. A girl getting over a break-up. The story writes itself. And it’s not a new story but it’s one of the better ones. There are several sequels and they are all garbage.

You’re Next - It is kind of gross, at one point a blender with the pitcher broken off gets turned on and used on someone’s head. First time I had ever seen that and it was great. A privileged family goes away to their summer home or whatever rich people have and chaos ensues. Nothing supernatural happening here, just shitty people. And they all have it coming.

Cabin Fever - The original one from 2002 with Rider Strong. This one is v gross but the assholishness of the kids puts them in this category. White people go into the woods. Instead of backwoods crazypants coming for them, they all get infected with a flesh-eating virus. You will never scratch anyone’s back lustfully during sex again.

The Houses October Built - Kids with their fancy cameras. One place you will not see me around Halloween is in a haunted house. I don’t do haunted houses. The Jaycees can go fuck themselves. This movie is about the weirdos that work in haunted houses year after year. A group of kids make a documentary on haunted houses and they interview the people that work in them. They also piss a lot of people off bc they’re assholes.

The Really Fucked-Up

House of 1,000 Corpses / The Devil’s Rejects - It’s a series of sorts so I will just lump them together. They are very different movies but both as equally fucked. These are the two best movies Rob Zombie has made to date. I have seen each 400 times. To me, these movies belong in the “Gross but Fun” category. To others, it may scar you for life. Both movies are based on a family. A Texas Chainsaw Massacreish, Wrong Turn adjacent family. But they love each other if that is enough for you. There’s devil worship, bunny costumes, corpse manipulation, cheerleader torture, def some incest I’m pretty sure and Chris Hardwick is in the first one. And Boyd Crowder is in both. At one point they slice the face off someone and wear it around, a la Hannibal Lecter. If that isn’t your bag, maybe skip this one.

The Woman - A feral woman living just fine on her own, being dirty and eating raw fish and loving life gets “rescued” by some white man. Does he help her? Of course not. He chains her up in the barn and fucks her and then lets his son in on the action so the son won’t tell his mom. Great guy. It’s a hard watch and you probably won’t watch it again. But you will be horrified in the terribleness of people. And the end is worth it.

Creep - Your worst Craigslist nightmare. Found footage, sort of. A guy answers a vague Craigslist ad. When he shows up to the guys house, he finds out he is getting paid to tape this guy on his last day before he dies. The entire movie is hide-behind-something uncomfortable.

The Legit Scary

The Ring - The only horror movie I won’t watch again is The Ring. I have seen many horror movies many times but this one I saw once and that was enough to sleep with the light on for a few weeks and cover my television up in my bedroom. I am in no way exaggerating. That movie fucked me up big time. If I watched it again I would probably see that it wasn’t so bad but I will never know.

The Strangers - A couple had a really awkward night at a wedding. Then they have an even worse night at home. It is supposed to be based on a true story and I am sure parts of it are. But it is something that could really happen and that makes it scarier for me.

The Descent - White people going into the woods again. White people, DON’T GO INTO THE WOODS!! A group of female friends, adventure seeking female friends, attempt to explore a previously unexplored cave. There is so much blood in this movie but that isn’t the scary part, it’s the enclosed spaces. And darkness. And what was that... no seriously what was that???

Devil’s Pass - The movie ended and I was like, “I don’t like it, I don’t like it!!!” Not the movie, the feeling I was experiencing. White people, once again, venture where they should not. A found footage movie done very well. These dumb kids go to the Dyatlov Pass where an actual incident (IRL) that occurred in Russia in 1959. It has a very creepy vibe and at the end you will feel weird but not a good weird.

Hush - A deaf woman living in BFE essentially by herself except for her friend living next door. She’s stalked by someone in her own home, but she can’t hear. It’s a very tired concept as far as horror movies go, but a deaf protagonist is new and adds a lot to the movie. And the movie itself is so quiet and that makes everything worse somehow. No music to tell you when something is coming. It’s unsettling.

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